A night to remember: The Tom Brady roast
I cannot think of another thing or event that has received such universal praise. I am yet to see or hear one person who did not think the Tom Brady roast on Netflix Sunday night was the best three hours of entertainment on TV in years. Even Michael Felger and Tony Massarotti, the curmudgeon afternoon sports talk hosts on 98.5 The Sports Hub, loved it. They hate everything. I was shocked. Trust me, there was plenty not to like and plenty to be offended by during the roast, especially in this day of political correctness.
While I thought the over three hour roast was highly entertaining, I am not willing to put it up there with Eddie Murphy’s Raw or Richard Pryor’s Live on the Sunset Strip in terms of great comedy shows. I am no prude, but many of the same type of jokes were repeated and, more importantly, were delivered with a little too much vibrato.
I, completely, understand the point of roasts. I grew up on the Dean Martin roasts. I know the rules. There are no rules.
I am still having an NFL draft analysis hangover, so in its honor, I decided to grade each speaker:
Kevin Hart, A+
Hart is, simply, a pro. Hart handled the master of ceremony role better than anyone could. I’m not sure if I would consider him or Jeff Ross as the modern day version of Dean Martin. Credit to Jeff Ross for putting this shindig together.
Hart set the tone right off the bat by joking about what a dumb decision it was for Tom Brady to suggest his then-wife take jiu jitsu classes. Gisele is currently dating that jiu jitsu instructor.
There was speculation that Brady’s failed marriage would be off limits. Many speculated that if that were true, then the whole concept of this roast would be compromised. Fear not. Hart laid that to rest right off the bat, like a jiu jitsu fighter taking down an opponent.
Hart had a good, not great, opening set, but he excelled shepherding the show. His reactions to his fellow comedian's jokes had me cracking up.
Most notably to me was when he took a couple of minutes to, earnestly, praise Bill Belichick for having the courage to show his face at the event. It was also admirable that he managed to get Robert Kraft to come up to the podium to take a shot with an uncomfortable Belichick.
Jeff Ross, B-
The self proclaimed "Roastmaster" rolled in wearing a bloody O.J. Simpson Buffalo Bills’ jersey. I’ve heard Ross several times before. I’ve seen previous roasts and have heard his podcasts, “Bumping Mikes,” with fellow comedian, David Attell. I don't love him, but I like him.
The most memorable moment of Ross’ set was when Ross made a reference to rookie Tom Brady asking owner Robert Kraft if he wanted a massage. For the only time of the evening, Brady appeared to take so much offense that he got up and approached the speaker at the podium. The microphone caught Brady whisper in Ross’ ear to “not say that s*** again.” Apparently, the only thing that was off limits was Robert Kraft.
Ross said the next day in an interview on the Rich Eisen Show that Brady wasn't upset. It was a schtick. I don't know about that.
Ross did have one of my favorite lines of the night when he said, “By the way, forum is also how Rob Gronkowski counts to five. Four, um.”
Drew Bledsoe, B-
Drewwwwwwwwww.
During his playing days, no one ever considered Bledsoe Mr. Charismatic. He was about as vanilla as vanilla comes. Along with Bill Parcells and Robert Kraft, Bledsoe should always be heralded a hero for the Patriots remaining the New England Patriots to this day, and not the St. Louis Patriots.
Bledsoe will also be remembered for being the quarterback whose injury gave Tom Brady the opportunity to spearhead his Hall of Fame career. As Nikki Glazer would later say, Bledsoe "bled so" Brady could play.
Bledsoe was very debonair as he spoke while holding his trademark glass of wine, promoting his Doubleback wine. Bledsoe used his stiff persona to great effect, delivering a deadpan, frequently amusing set focusing on how much he hates Brady for stealing his job.
It was all in jest, of course. He appeared, understandably, nervous and pretentiously intoxicated. Obviously, the athletes that took their turns at the podium are out of their element, but some are more comfortable than others with a microphone in front of them. I was surprised how well Bledsoe did. He admitted on Julian Edelman's podcast that he wanted to go first to get it out of the way so he could, truly, enjoy the rest of the show instead of worrying about his speech.
Bledsoe’s best line was referring to Randy Moss as being the only black receiver he had on stage. Bledsoe joked that even Randy could be considered white, “I mean his name is Randy. That’s the whitest name since Kevin.” Pan to Kevin Hart.
Bledsoe’s value for the remainder of the night would be as a punching bag for the roasters to follow. Along with Rob Gronkowski, no one took as much shrapnel as Bledsoe. Especially from Sam Jay. “Why are you even here?”
Nikki Glazer, A++
I consider Glazer and Taylor Tomlinson as the best two female standup comedians out there today. Glazer was, far and away, the top performer of the night. She guaranteed, early on, that the roast was going to be a success.
My favorite joke by her was when she was asking how Brady could be so dumb to have lost $30 million investing in cryptocurrency. Glazer looked over to Gronkowski and said, “Even Gronk said, ‘Me know that not real money.’” Perfect.
She introduced Drew Bledsoe as “Drew bled so much so Brady could run.”
There were just so many great one liners by her. It was one after another. While every other performer had some cringeworthy moments, all of Glazer's jokes had me, dying, laughing.
Randy Moss, C-
I had higher hopes for Randy – certainly higher than for Bledsoe. Moss was always an entertaining interview as a player. “Straight money, homie” was made iconic by Moss. At the roast, however, he just wasn’t good. I found no humor in the theme of his set being why didn’t Brady trust Moss to be his accomplice in cheating. Not funny.
Kim Kardashian, F
Why?
Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer, D
I used to be a big Tom Segura fan. I really like his early stuff. I think success has gone to his head.
I’ve seen Kreischer’s shirtless schtick, but never really been inspired to listen to him. He did nothing during this set to change my mind.
Here is a simple rule for any dialogue in life: don’t mention Hitler. No matter how much you want to push the envelope and be edgy… do not mention Hitler.
Sam Jay, B
What did Drew Bledsoe ever do to Sam Jay? Holy crap. She, mercilessly, hit Bledsoe with harder shots than even Mo Lewis. Brutal. Her graphic description of a one-off, one glorious thrust “love”-making session with Brady was something to behold.
Will Farrell, a.k.a. Ron Burgundy, B
I think people set the bar too high when it came to Farrell’s performance. That’s what happens when you are the best comedic movie star of a generation. Many viewers were disappointed. I liked it. I mean, come on, does Farrell even have to do anything to be funny? I can just look at him and laugh. His pronounciation of Gisele’s name (“Jasiel”) was good enough for me.
Bill Belichick, C
I don’t know who I would have rather omitted from the program – Kardashian or Belichick. I am no fan of Bill’s. Never have been. His awkward smile bugs me.
The highlight was his walking onto the stage to the sounds of the Darth Vader theme. Having Belichick at this roast was like having your dad at a frat party.
Julian Edelman, B-
Edelman has gotten more comfortable behind a microphone thanks, in part, due to his podcast which I have listened to numerous times and enjoy. His delivery was excellent, but the material wasn’t that great – very heavy on Jewish and gay jokes. Also, did every speaker joke about Aaron Hernandez? That was too much.
My favorite joke by Edelman was when he noted how Brady used to always scream, “Laser focus! Laser focus!” on the field. “Now Brady screams that to his plastic surgeon.”
You could also tell that Edelman had waited a long time to be able to roast his longtime coach. Foxboro High was the only job offer you got.
Dana White, C+
White had 60 seconds and he wasn’t happy about it. Neither were we.
Tony Hinchcliffe, A-
I never heard of Hinchcliffe before, and maybe I should have. His rapid fire approach produced the most jokes per minute of any performer of the night. Some were misses, but many delivered. One thing is for sure – Kevin Hart loved him. Hart had to compose himself at the podium after Hinchcliffe finished his set.
Rob Gronkowski, A-
How can you not love Gronk? My favorite part was after one of the numerous times Gronk got lost on the teleprompter, Kevin Hart could be heard offscreen saying, “Just sound it out, Gronk. Sound it out.”
Andrew Schulz, B+
Another comic I have never seen or heard of was Andrew Schulz. I didn’t appreciate his Kennedy joke, but everything else was stellar. His jokes directed at Dana White were hilarious. I also laughed out loud when he looked at Jeff Ross and said that he reminded him of the patient on the gameboard of Operation.
Robert Kraft, C
Like Belichick, it was awkward having Kraft there. It was bizarre seeing Kraft seated off to the side of the stage, far away from his team. I was curious if Kraft would swear, just like every other speaker had, and he didn’t let me down in his parting shot, telling Vladimir Putin to give him his f****** ring back. That line saved him from a failing grade.
Ben Affleck, D
I guess there was some doubt as to whether Affleck would show up, and it probably would have been best if he got caught up in traffic a little longer.
Peyton Manning, A
Peyton Manning is just a natural. He has shown his comedic chops in commercials and on Saturday Night Live. It was notable to me, at the end of Manning’s set, it appeared to me that Belichick brushed past Kevin Hart on his way to shake Manning's hand before he left the stage. It looked like the handshake was done with a purpose, right in front of Brady.
One of Manning’s best lines came as he introduced Tom Brady up to the podium, “The last time Tom Brady had to wait this long to get on stage, it was the 2000 NFL draft.”
Tom Brady, A
You have to give Brady an A just for doing this, even though at times it seemed the night was more of a roast of Rob Gronkowski than him. But Brady was a great sport all night, especially having to listen to all the Gisele and gay jokes. He looked uncomfortable at the beginning, but settled into the spirit of the night.
He had a lot of good lines during his rebuttal, especially his opening jab at Manning for sometimes living in Colorado and sometimes in Louisiana, but he will always live in Brady's shadow. The follow up joke about when he heard that a slow white Bronco was coming down the highway was also well thought out, by whoever wrote it.
I also enjoyed his jab at Belichick regarding who deserves more credit for the Patriots' dynasty. He joked that when he goes to the race track, he doesn't ask the race car driver who gasses his car.
The most jaw dropping moment for me, and for many people, was when Brady said if Roger Goodell would have just given him $20 million (the cost of the investigation of "Deflategate"), he would have, readily, admitted he deflated the footballs. Was this a confession? If it was, this was the perfect situation to unburden himself.
The whole time I was watching Brady, I was picturing what Tom Brady from the picture at the NFL combine in 2000 would say if he was told that this night would happen in his honor decades later. Yeah right.
